Saturday, May 5th and Sunday, May 6th, 2007

                                        Topics

LECTURE - THE OBJECTIVE OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM AND ITS ROLE IN SOCIETY 

The institution of marriage is highly esteemed within the fold of Islam, yet its primary objective does not receive due attention.  This lecture will focus on the objectives of marriage in Islam, explain why it is considered to be half of our deen and the role that it plays in advancing and protecting any given society.

LECTURE - PREPARING ONESELF FOR MARRIAGE  

Akhlaaq, self-refinement and purification of the soul are struggles, which endure a lifetime.  Even so, one must prepare him/herself to the best of their abilities for marriage.  For in most instances individuals are able to specify that which they seek in a mate, but do not always possess such qualities or characteristics in themselves.  Please provide specific tips for improving one’s akhlaaq so as to lay the foundation to be a suitable mate in wedlock.  

WORKSHOP #1

SPOUSAL SELECTION – QUALITIES & CHARACTERISTICS TO SEEK IN A MATE

Materialism a Materialism and consumerism have an enormous effect on the decisions that we make in our lives.  One area which is affected by our surroundings are the qualities and characteristics that we desire in a mate.  Usually the traits that we aspire for do not contain much depth and are purely superficial.  This lecture will reiterate the criteria that Prophet Muhammad (s) has stated that we should look for in a spouse.

SPOUSAL SELECTION  II – Submit to God / Submit to Parents

Islam vs Culture – what to do when your mate does not meet parents’ expectations.

From the time of birth, many parents have mapped out their child’s future career and marriage partner.  When the child reaches adulthood and does not fulfill the parent’s expectations, this can lead to disappointment and frustration, particularly when the offspring decides to marry someone of their “own” choosing.  Most parents exacerbate the dilemma by infusing their culture with Islam and forcing the child to marry “someone from back home” or risk being ostracized from the family if they refuse to comply.  

This lecture will address Islam’s response to such situations, providing attendees with specific hadiths or ayats from the Holy Qur’an.  Does one have to submit / listen to their parents under all circumstances?   

SPOUSAL SELECTION III – FINDING A MATE WITHOUT A COMMUNITY

This topic speaks to a large segment of the growing Muslim population, particularly those living in the Western Hemisphere.  Not only do reverts have a difficult time finding a mate because they don’t share the same cultural / traditional background as the mainstream Muslim community.  The selection base is especially limited for those who are followers of our school of thought – as we constitute the minority group.  The prospects for marriage are diminished even further, if one is divorced, is divorced with a child(ren),  over a certain age or is an immigrant with no family references to speak on their behalf. 

 Some people resort to temporary marriage with non-Muslims, although this is not an option for Muslimahs, while others remain celibate for a number of years, until they are able to find a mate – if ever.  The resources for marriage are limited, even with the existence of websites that cater to matching individuals.  These limitations leave some feel hopeless and frustrated.

 Please provide specific and concrete suggestions on how one can try and fulfill have their deen under such circumstances.   It is particularly difficult for the sisters, who are not permitted to marry Al-Kitab and when polygamous marriages are not always appealing. 

LECTURE -  MONOGAMY,         MUT’AH         &   POLYGAMY – The responsibilities of each one 

The purpose of speaking about these forms of marriage in this seminar will simply be to describe them, not justify the reason for their existence in Islam. The approach that we would like to take is more in the practical sense, what are responsibilities of the husband and wife under each form of marriage, the duration of the iddah, and the rights of a child born from these unions.  Under Temporary Marriage, please emphasize that the woman is the man’s wife

(some refer to women in these unions as their girlfriends).

WORKSHOP #2

BENEFITS OF PRE-MARITAL COUNSELLING – QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE

Too often individuals do not take the time to do enough research about an intended spouse and are shy to ask questions that could be on their minds.  In addition, some don’t know which questions to ask, as they have never been married before.  Please provide the audience with some tips on  what they should be asking about before getting married AND the importance of pre-marital counseling.

CONTRACTS / MAHR (Sisters only)

Provide a detailed explanation as to why Contracts / Mahr are important and how they can protect the couple, particularly the women in the event of difficulties in the relationship.

Also, specify what is permissible to put in a contract and what is not.  For example, can a woman ask for divorce if her husband takes another wife? These are issues which appear to be gray zones for certain communities.

Discuss how a woman should decide on what / how much to ask for, for her Mahr.  And provide examples of the excessive amounts that have been requested and how this excess is causing many women to remain unwed.

ENGAGEMENT / WEDDING DAY – NECESSITY VS EXCESSIVE

Today couples are stuck in a vicious circle when they want to get married and are making arrangements for their engagement or wedding day. The groom must ensure that the bride is treated nothing less than the average or standard of the society, at the same time, the norm is becoming more and more extravagant. For this reason, couples find themselves trying to limit their Israf (excessive spending) but at the same time, do not want to seem greedy or to show a lack of interest towards their spouse (since the society measures the groom’s interest in the bride by the amount of money spent on the bride). This is also making the whole concept of marriage difficult to approach due to the financial expectations. Many times, couples find themselves starting their life together in debt. To go against this pace set by the society’s bad habits seems too difficult, for this reason, discussing the harm and contradiction to Islamic teachings in this behavior is a very important step in changing this trend and working towards valuing Islamic teachings more than anything else.

 In addition, many Muslims are getting married in hotels or banquet halls so as to be able to enliven their celebrations with music, alcohol and unrestricted mixing among the sexes.

ESTABLISHING EQUILIBRIUM IN THE HOME  -  Do men have to help in the home?

Women who work / women’s role in marriage. –

 When this topic is discussed, the focus is usually the following: who has to do the housework? Can the woman work outside the home? Then we conclude that housework is not the woman’s obligation, she can do it for the sake of God if she wishes, otherwise it is a task that can be shared by both the husband and wife. However, in this lecture we would like to emphasize that the important thing is that time cannot be wasted; if the wife wishes to stay at home, she must use her time efficiently through educating herself, doing work for her home and family, as well as work for her community. If the woman wishes to work outside, she must be confident that she can provide her family with the emotional support that it requires from her as a wife and/or mother. This also applies to the husband, he must use his time in a justified manner whether he is at work or at home.

 Please provide examples of our Holy Prophet (saaw) and the Imams (as) and their willingness to help out with raising the children and maintaining the home.  In some cultures, cooking, cleaning, laundry and doing the dishes are considered to be beneath a man.

RELIGIOUS VS SECULAR MARRIAGE OR BOTH?

When it comes to permanent marriage, some couples are satisfied with a religious marriage and others prefer to do the religious and secular marriage.  Discuss the advantages / disadvantages of both situations.  

EXPECTATIONS – COPING WITH BOREDOM / ROUTINE IN MARRIAGE. 

Removing the “I can change him / her after we marry” attitude  

This is a two-fold subject combined into one.

First, many couples don’t realize or are not prepared for the routine that is part of marriage. But, others are able to manage and make the mundane easier to bear.  Discuss tips on how to manage routine in marriage and “cope with boredom”.

In addition, we often hear people state that they can change the other person after they get married. This is an unrealistic goal, as our character is usually formed by the time we reach the age of 7 years.  Individuals are unwittingly establishing unrealistic goals for themselves, thinking that they can change someone after they have entered into wedlock.  Please discuss the barriers that this can cause in a relationship and can set the foundation for future obstacles in the marriage.

MARRYING AL KITAB & MUSLIMS FROM OTHER SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT

Many Muslims are still uncertain as to the philosophy behind marrying Al-Kitab, particularly due to differences in rulings of the Marjas. Also, how successful can a marriage be if one is to marry a Muslim from a different school of thought.  If your beliefs and practices are at polar opposites, will this not cause disturbances in the relationship, particularly when it comes to raising children.  Lastly, please discuss why Muslim women are not allowed to marry Al-Kitab and the Muslim men are.

Sunday – The Wedding's Over

LECTURE - Domestic Violence    20 mins each

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN CANADA –  AN OVERVIEW

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY

A REVIEW OF THE QUR’ANIC AYAT  (An Nisaa v 34)

Each speaker will present their topic for approximately two minutes.

These lectures are to highlight the devastating effects of Domestic Violence and to bring to light its existence in the Muslim community.  In addition to clarifying what is meant in the Holy Qur’an in Surah Nisaa v. 34

WORKSHOP #4

SEXUAL ETIQUETTE IN ISLAM  - Sisters

What is acceptable / permissible?

The role of love & romance in married life

Different sex drives – how to cope

Foods that will increase / decrease sexual desires – (poster)

Janabat & Ghusl  / Making your environment tahir after physical relations

What happens in the bedroom, should stay in the bedroom. Guarding the “private parts” of  your mate, by not disclosing personal sexual intimacies with friends / family.

SEXUAL ETIQUETTE IN ISLAM – Workshop –  Brothers

What is acceptable / permissible?

The role of love & romance in married life

Different sex drives – how to cope

Foods that will increase / decrease sexual desires – (poster)

Janabat & Ghusl  / Making your environment tahir after physical relations

Dealing with women’s cycles and Menopause

What happens in the bedroom, should stay in the bedroom. Guarding the “private parts” of  your mate, by not disclosing personal sexual intimacies with friends / family.

POST-MARITAL COUNSELLING – OVERCOMING ROADBLOCKS & AVOIDING DIVORCE – Lecture  -

Problems in a marital relationship are inevitable, all couples encounter troubles, but why is it that some make it through while others come to a dead end. Is it because they we not meant for each other, or is it because the difficulties encountered were not dealt with correctly? Give tips on how to resolve common problems and explain when post-marital counseling should be sought. Also, many are exposed as children to the troubles that are experienced in a marriage by witnessing the quarrels of their parents, and thus have seen their parents deal with problems encountered correctly or incorrectly. So how do we prevent repeating the same mistakes? What are proper ways to handle difficult times or situations?

WORKSHOP #5

DEALING WITH EXTENDED FAMILY / IN LAWS

Maintaining Good Relations while est. boundaries. Who comes first my spouse / or my parents?

When we finally find the person that we wish to marry, we sometimes come to a sudden realization that there are new strings attached to this relationship – his/her family. We may not necessarily agree with the mentality of the parents or siblings of the spouse but we realize that they are important figures in the life of the person that we have decided to marry. So how do we deal with these differences? Emphasize the importance of manners/akhlaaq in this scenario, and how we should do to others what we would like done to us.

 In-laws can also be a source of marital frustration for many couples, as mates sometimes feel that they must choose between their spouse or parent, particularly during quarrels.  Please address how one is to manage disputes that present themselves between these two parents and where does our primary allegiance lay – with our mate or with our parents

FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES

Managing the household’s finances. 

Maintaining the family = Authority over family. Money one of the reasons for divorce.

Is it realistic in this day and age to expect a male to be able to the sole breadwinner in the family?

Why can’t a Muslim tell his wife that she must earn wages and contribute to the household income?

If a Muslimah earns more money than her husband and is contributing to the household income, does she then become the Authority over the family?  Why is it so for the male?

My husband doesn’t know how to handle the finances and insists on paying the bills. Why can’t he give me the money and I pay the bills?

My husband has passed away and he never shared any information about our finances with me..what am I supposed to do?

These are some of the oft-repeated questions that come from Muslims, particularly Muslimahs, who are trying to live in this society.  Discuss why household authority has been linked to finances.

Also, the importance of getting assistance if they are having marital issues related to money  

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