By Cyril Anderson

 A recent incident in Ontario that garnered a lot of press was one involving a Muslim father who killed his daughter after losing control of his anger, reportedly triggered by her rebelliousness.  One of the motivating factors was reportedly involved in pushing the father over the edge was the daughter’s refusal to wear hijab.

 As expected, a firestorm of press briefly flared, with the usual hate mongers jumping on the bandwagon, demonizing all Muslim fathers for oppressing their wives and daughters because they wear hijab.  Undoubtedly there were other issues at play with this particular man, clearly some sort of psychological issues.  Many young women are rebellious in their teenage years, and fathers do tend to get upset about this, but any father who would kill his daughter over such matters clearly has anger problems, to put it mildly.

 Conflicts about the dress and behavior of children are common in this society, and is particularly acute in the Muslim community, where parents often have standards of behavior and dress for their children vastly different from those that are the norm in many schools today where these youth go for their education.

The idea of this article is to look at ways that parents of Muslim daughters can encourage their daughters to practice the Islamic dress code in high school, despite the peer pressure, and ways that parents can deal with, and prevent conflicts with their children over Islamic codes of dress and behavior.

 This does not mean that it is possible necessarily to completely eliminate rebellion amongst teenagers, and such steps cannot necessarily prevent escalation of resulting conflicts at the hands of parents with mental problems and tendencies to violence and abuse.  However, in most cases, as is the case in general in life, an ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.  By taking certain steps, parents can hope to instill in their daughters a positive attitude toward hijab and Islamic codes of conduct and limit acts of rebellion and the conflicts that come from them.

 One of the steps parents can take to encourage their daughters to be interested in hijab is by setting a good example.  For example, if the parents want their daughter to observe hijab, it will be much easier if the mother herself wears hijab.  Youth respect and follow examples better than mere words, and don’t tend to respect people who don’t follow what they themselves teach.  They perceive rightly (and in a sense, this is an admirable trait, a sign of the inner moral compass implanted within us by our creator) that this is hypocrisy.  Parents modeling proper Islamic gender relations in a healthy yet dignified fashion, modeling proper ways for men and women to interact set a strong example for their children.  The parents’ modeling of proper, loving, respectful interaction as a couple to show the difference between this and the status quo of relations between boys and girls in school and elsewhere from liberal codes of conduct can be very effective in showing concretely the wisdom of your words.

 Parents of daughters also need to make sure that they are fair and just in their treatment of their children in this regard.  Another way in which the inner moral compass of youth can be quite strong is in their sensitiveness to injustice or unfairness.  Parents need to be fair in the treatment of children.  This means being as serious with teaching male children the importance of lowering the gaze as they are with teaching daughters these lessons, and making it clear to both sons and daughters that the load is not all on the woman, but is a shared responsibility, with both parts being important.  There is unfortunately a tendency amongst many Muslim parents to overlook transgressions of sons, saying, “boys will be boys,” while being very strict on girls.  Such double standards only serve to reinforce in the girl’s mind stereotypes of discrimination of women in Islam spread by the opponents of Islam.

 Parents also have a responsibility to ensure education in their children about the values and teachings of Islam, explaining practice with rational basis where possible, answering patiently questions of “why,” demonstrating everyday religiousness in the household so children see the benefit, praying as a family, going to masjid as a family, studying religion a few hours a week as a family, instilling love of Ahlul bayt (as) and teaching about strong women figures like Khadija, Fatimah, and Zainab (as).

 Also important for instilling respect for your advice as a parent is spending time as a family.  Teens are demonstrably less likely to be rebellious and when rebellious, will be less extreme if the family is together and parents are actively involved in their children’s lives, within reason.  (Youth do need some privacy)  Family should eat together and otherwise spend time together.  This has become difficult sometimes in our busy, frantic modern lives, but this is an important matter that must be given proper priority.

 This all needs to start at an early age.  If this is neglected for years, and then, all of a sudden, as the girl becomes baligh or approaches immanently the age of bulugh, parents try to force things in a sudden and dogmatic fashion, because they all of a sudden get worried about how they will look to other parents if they have a daughter without hijab, this is asking for trouble.  The practice of hijab should be taught and introduced earlier in a gradual fashion, and should be presented not as a dogmatic “you must do this or else” matter, but as a coming of age to be celebrated.  (Again, to repeat an earlier point, if the mother observes hijab, numerous opportunities to explain the concept and its philosophy will present themselves long before the daughter approaches puberty.)  Rather, again, the practical reasons and religious foundations should be well and patiently explained to help her in becoming personally convinced.  In her journeys through secondary school, college, university, and in the workplace or in society in general, she will be questioned, sometimes sincerely, sometimes maliciously about “why she wears that thing.”  She will be doing a disservice to Islam and the Islamic code of dress and behavior if she in unable to give, in such a situation, at least some sort of basic explanation that shows she is doing it confidently because she believes in it for good reasons.  When a young woman is able to do this, this is the greatest weapon against those who level slander against Muslims over the supposed “oppressiveness” of the hijab.  We must instill in our daughters the message of the subversive, yet genuine feminism of the hijab.

 Especially as young women get toward the age of baligh and beyond, parents should take care to make sure that their daughters have regular, frequent contact with other young Muslim women who are committed to the hijab and understand the concept and believe in it.  This serves as a supportive peer group and helps to reinforce her in her confidence of what she is doing, which does wonders in helping her to withstand the peer pressure of the general society around her.  It is important for parents to be aware of the sort of company their children are keeping, and to exert some influence as a parent to steer their children away from bad company.  This is not always easy, but if parents build respect and credibility with their children beforehand by showing that their behavior and words are consistent and that they are fair, then youth are more likely to listen to the warnings of parents and take them seriously.

 The young woman needs to want to wear the hijab because she is convinced of it, not simply because she feels pressured to do it while living under her parents roof.  Ultimately, this doesn’t work.  Even if it works while she is living there, eventually, she will move out on her own, and, as an independent adult, it is her own business.  No one can force her to do it if she is not convinced and is not willing.  Even while she is living under her parent’s house this becomes more and more difficult as the girl gets older.

 The raising of children, and daughters particularly is a difficult one, filled with many challenges and worries.  Teenagers as a rite of passage, it seems, tend to go through their periods of youthful questioning and rebellion.  All of this is natural and to some extent unavoidable.  However, by taking some proper proactive steps as a parent to properly be there, and educate our children, and instill in them sound Islamic values in a rational fashion, all things being equal, the struggle should be much less trying.  May God give all parents strength in this sacred struggle of parenthood.