Cutting the Gordian Knot: 

Creative Solutions to the Marriage Problem

  By Cyril Anderson  

{Author's note:  the following article represents some of my own preliminary reflections on this matter, and should not be taken as an 'official position' of the Path of Light organization.  It should also not be taken as a definitive, finished thought on the matter, but rather a sharing of ideas meant to stimulate discussion and debate on this issue of great importance to our community.  This is a complicated issue, and I by no means claim to have all the answers.  This is meant to be a discussion starter rather than the final word; please read the following in that light.}

A currently pressing problem within the Muslim community is how to make opportunities for young men and women within the Muslim community to meet to get to know each other before getting married.  Young people feel the need, in this less closely knit society, to get to know each other before committing to permanent marriage.  In traditional societies, the close knit nature of the community allowed young people to get to know each other growing up.  Unfortunately, this is much less easy here in North America. 

This produces difficulties for young people.

 One of the solutions that is being used as a makeshift solution is for a young couple to marry in nikah, but consider it an “engagement” for a term so that they can get to know each other and spend time alone before moving in and consummating the marriage.  This is an abuse of the institution of permanent marriage however.  The institution of muta’a may provide a better solution in terms of a way for young people to meet each other.  It allows young people to spend time with each other in a halal way for a time so as to enable them to get to know each other.

 The main resistance to this, aside from the general taboo against muta’a (this even in the Shia’ community where it is considered legal) despite its, is the idea of virginity.  There is, understandably, a great importance placed upon this, particularly for the girl.  Understandably, parents of young women are concerned that if their daughters are allowed to participate in muta’a unions before they have been permanently married, then they will have trouble getting permanently married later if they lose their virginity in the muta’a.

 This virginity obsession, although without Islamic merit (Most of the women the Prophet married were widows, and as such, were naturally not virgins when they married him, therefore raising the question of why young Muslim men today think they are somehow better than the Prophet) is however valid in the given practical reality of the Muslim community and the social and cultural attitudes of those within it.

 The thing that is lost from sight here however is that muta’a does not necessarily require that sex occur.  Muta’a means literally “enjoyment,” and the two that are joined in muta’a can also obtain non-sexual forms of enjoyment from each other, for example the simple enjoyment of each others company.

 In muta’a, as in nikah, the union involves a contract.  This contract can explicitly include the stipulation that there be no sex involved.  Parents of the young couple involved can supervise the process, and indeed, for two virgin youth, it is natural that they be involved, seeing that the young man needs the permission of the girl’s father to perform the union according to the religious law.

 The young couple cannot, according to the religious law, go behind the parents’ back to “upgrade” to a less conditional contract allowing sex; this again would require the permission of the girl’s father, permission that socially is not likely to be obtained. 

 This arrangement would allow the young people to spend some time together to get to know each other within certain limits as set by the contract.  Perhaps some more “innocent” forms of physical intimacy could be allowed, such as holding hands, hugging or embracing, or perhaps kissing, but this is something that would depend on the discretion of the parents overseeing the conditions of the contract and on the age of the young people. 

 Taking advantage of the beautiful flexibility of the muta’a union in this way through specific contracts would allow a relatively controlled, parentally supervised form of “Islamic dating” that allows the young people to meet and grow familiar with each other without the reckless free for all that is Western style dating.

 Something like this has to be done to make things easier for the youth.  Otherwise, many will simply turn to fornication behind their parents’ backs, as many already do.  And what a tragedy when there is an Islamically sanctioned alternative on the shelf, so to speak, waiting to be used. 

Young men and young women can, in this way, learn, through this experience how to get along with members of the opposite sex so as to slowly prepare themselves for a future permanent marriage. 

 It should be noted that such efforts should be combined with efforts to make it easier for young people to get permanently married.  There is a genuine need to lower artificial cultural bars in terms of high mahr and the like, as well as the expectation that the couple must be finished school with the husband working before marrying.  One way to do this would be to work toward making it easier for college or university age couples who are not yet working, but know they want to be married, to set up an apartment or to make arrangements for the young couple to live under the roof with one of the sets of parents until they graduate and start working.  Many undergraduate students in our community are psychologically and physically mature enough to marry and aware enough of who they would like to marry, but lack the financial resources to start up an apartment and household.  Lowering these barriers would go a long way toward ensuring the continued stability and happiness of the Muslim community.