FROM: Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics
Ayatullah Ibrahim Amini

The Almighty Allah regards men as the guardians of their families and states in the Holy Qur'an that: "Men are the maintainers of women, because Allah has made some of them to excel others.."  (4:34). 

Therefore, men have a greater and more difficult responsibility in supporting their families. 

It is the man who can, through his wisdom, support his family and prepare the grounds for their happiness and it is he  who can turn the house into a paradise and his wife to act as an angel. 

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Man is the guardian of his family and every guardian has responsibilities towards those under his guardianship'."[145] 

A man, who is supporting his family, should know that a woman is also a human being like a man. She also has desires and the rights of freedom and life. Marrying a woman is not hiring a servant, but it is a selection of a partner and a friend who would be able to live with for the rest of one's life. Man has to care for her and her desires. Man is not the owner of his wife and in fact a woman has certain rights upon her husband. 

The secret to a family's prosperity is the way in which one takes care of one's wife, and this is, like the duty of a woman towards her husband which is regarded to be at the same level as Jihad, is also regarded as a man's best and most valuable act. But a married man must learn how to treat his wife in a way that she turns into an angel-like character. For this, a man must find out about his wife's behaviour and her desires. He must program his life according to her wishes and righteous requests. He can, through his own manners and attitude, influence her in a way that interests her in both him and their home.. 

A woman is a center of kindness and a being who is emotional. Her existence depends on compassion and affection. She longs to be loved by others and the more the better. She sacrifices herself a great deal in order to seek attention. This character is so strong in her that if she realizes nobody loves her, then she regards herself as a failure. She becomes disappointed in herself and feels dejected. Therefore, certainly one can claim that the secret of a successful man in a happy marital life is his expression of love towards his wife.

Dear Sir! your wife before marrying you, was enjoying her parents' love and kindness. Now that she has entered into marriage agreement with you and now that she has chosen to live with you for the rest of her life, she expects you to fulfill her desires for love and affection. She expects you to show more love to her than she received from her parents and friends. She has trusted you extremely and that is why she has entrusted you with her existence.

The secret to a happy marriage is the expression of your affection to your wife.

If you want to conquer her heart, if you want to make her obedient with regard to your requests, if you want to strengthen your marriage, make her love you and remain faithful to you, or..., then you must always show your affection to her and express your love.

If you deprive your wife of kindness, then she would lose interest in her house, children and, above all, in you. Your house would always be in a messy condition. She would not be prepared to make efforts for a person who does not love her .

A house in which there is no affection, resembles a burning hell, even though it may be very tidy and full of luxurious goods.

Your wife may become ill or have a nervous breakdown. She may seek attention with others if she is not satisfied with you. She may grow so cold towards you and the house that she may even seek for a divorce.

You are responsible for all this because you have failed to keep her content. It is certainly true that some divorce procedures take place as a result of unkindness.

Your attention is drawn to the following statistics. The psychological requirement of affection, the carelessness of husbands with regard to their wives' wishes and the overlooking of the importance of the mental status of women, have been responsible for many divorce cases.

"In the year 1969, out of a total of 10372 separations, 1203 women expressed the reason for their divorce as losing heart in life, feeling worthless, and the lack of care of their husband with regard to their wives' desires and emotional feelings. "[146]

"A woman said in court that 'She was prepared to abandon her dowry and even pay her husband a sum of money to make him agree to a divorce. She said her husband was more interested in his parrots and that was why she did not want to live with him any longer'."[147]

Family love and friendship is more precious than anything else and that is why Allah has regarded it as one of the signs of power and a great blessing which mankind has been endowed with, Holy Qur'an says: "..And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect."   (30:21)

"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'Whoever is our friend, expresses his kindness to his spouse more'."[148]

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The more one becomes faithful the more one expresses kindness to his spouse'."[149]

"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'One of the characteristics of the prophets of Allah is that they are all kind towards their wives', "[150]

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The words of a man who tells his wife, 'I love you truly', should never leave her heart'."[151]

Love and affection must of course be genuine to appeal to another's heart, but even so loving for someone is not enough, as it is vital to express one's affection. By showing your feelings through your words and actions, the love you have shown will be returned to you and your hearts will strengthen their bonds of love.

Be frank and do not be discrete in expressing your love towards your wife. In her absence or presence, you should make compliments for her. Write to her while traveling and inform her that you miss her. Occasionally buy something for her. Phone her when you are at work and ask how she is.

One of the important things on a woman's mind is these kinds of expressions of love.

"Mrs... while shedding tears of grief said: 'I married my husband on an autumn night. We lived together in peace for a while. I regarded myself as the luckiest woman in this world. I lived in his little house for six years. I felt a hundred times happier when I found out that I was pregnant. When I informed my husband he wept tears of joy while embracing me in his arms. He cried so much that he nearly lost control over himself. He then went out and bought me a diamond necklace with his savings. He gave the necklace and said: 'I am giving this to the best woman that I have ever seen in the world'. But it was not long before he was killed in a driving accident'."[l52] 

(be grateful and show appreciation for your love as they could be gone tomorrow)

REFERENCES 

[145] Mustadrak, vol 2, p 550.

[146] Ittela'at, 15th Azar, 1350 Solar Hijri.

[147] Ibid, 6th Bahman, 1350 Solar Hijri.

[148] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 103, p 227.

[149] Ibid, p 228.

[150] Ibid, p 236.

[151] Shafi, vol 2, p 138.

[152] Ittela'at, 6th Bahman, 1348 Solar Hijri.